President-elect Joe Biden has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in recognition of his future contributions to fighting COVID-19, anticipated cancellation of so-called peace deals between the Zionist State of Israel and its muslim neighbors in the Middle East and Africa, and his decision to rejoin the Iran nuclear deal. In awarding the prize early, the Nobel Committee announced, “Everyone was shivering with anticipation and we simply couldn’t maintain the suspense until Biden’s inauguration.” Many prominent Democrats questioned why the committee had waited so long to make the announcement.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi remarked, “I told the committee to announce the award before the election, and I think their delays clearly demonstrate the degree to which the Orange Hitler has instilled fear worldwide.” US Senator Chuck Schumer struck a cheerful tone of unity, “Biden’s small-minded opponents will undoubtedly complain that Biden doesn’t deserve this prize yet, but now is not the time for such pettiness. We must put aside our disagreements and celebrate the future accomplishments of this brave American who will restore the old world order and deter Israeli hegemony through Iranian nuclear deterrence.”
Vice President-elect Harris was even more direct about her call for unity. “How dare anyone question this prize? Biden will be President after the COVID vaccine eradicates this pandemic. He will convince the American people to take the vaccine that we convinced them not to take before the election. That’s what’s really important, and that’s why we must come together as a nation and silence those who wish to detract from our unity. The whole world can see that the American riots have stopped now that Joe Biden has been elected. If Donald Trump had won there would be massive riots happening right now.” Shortly after making those comments Harris resumed her work taking over the Biden administration.
In accepting the prize, Biden seemed perplexed, “I thought Obama already got the Nobel Peace Prize. I didn’t think they’d award another one, and I’m not sure why the Norwegians get to hand it out anyway, because it started in Sweden. People forget that Nobel got rich making explosives to blow things up…I don’t understand why the Israeli people are unhappy about this decision, but suspect its all the falafel they eat. It gives me gas something awful. It reminds me of the time I was arrested trying to visit Golda Meir… you know I was born a poor black jewish child and attended shul with Sammy Davis Jr…” Aids quickly removed him from the stage and rushed him off to an undisclosed location.
Notably absent from all social media was any comment by a Republican, because their comments were deemed likely to be false by Twitter, Facebook and YouTube.